My Brain, My Self
I would say most of this week could fall under the heading of Struggling. The sleep status of my children is directly tied to my sanity and anxiety and, let me tell you, both suffered deeply this past week. I would love to say that we're settling into things finally with the girls sharing a room but I'm legitimately terrified to type that without knocking on wood. I have just done so.
I cycled through yet another sinus infection and continue to cough, though mercifully less than a few weeks ago. Getting sleep and feeling at ease had been just out of reach for too long and I came very close to losing my mind over the weekend. That and some other circumstances have taken me to the brink.
One of my oldest friends, Meg, came to stay with her husband and two boys this week and it was so, so nice to have a house full of people I love. To watch our kids play and argue and then play some more was a joy. But, emotionally, I was at the end of my rope. There's a certain flavor of rage and impatience that I've come to know is hormonal and, between that and the lack of sleep, there were moments this week where I felt lower than I have in years and almost scarily out of control emotionally. It was, in the end, a special gift that Meg happened to be here to help talk me through it.
It's a difficult thing to be open about one's mental health. It's also a difficult thing, frankly, to be a woman and attempt to try and understand it yourself with the resources available.
Coincidentally this week I was struck by a headline on National Geographic's Instagram feed -"Scientists are finally studying women’s bodies. This is what we’re learning." (Hot tip - go to the post's comments if you think misogyny is dead.) The article ended up being a compendium but I thought this fact summed our current situation up pretty well: "Only about half of one percent of brain-imaging research is done in women...This disparity is why we’re only just learning now how menstruation reshapes the brain." Bitch!
When I was first diagnosed with ADHD last fall, I found Divergent Mind to be the most helpful of the books I read. Mostly because it is very much written with the understanding that women are behind the curve when it comes not just to ADHD but to most of our health. The reality is, ADHD often shows up in different ways for women than men and often, because of the way we're conditioned (patriarchy), we're not diagnosed early:
I don't need to tell this audience that women, like people of color, historically were not included in medical research studies and continue to be rarely centered in research today (remember how the COVID vaccine turned out). Science and medicine are viewed almost exclusively through a white male lens, leaving the rest of us trying to cram our bodies, our problems, our illnesses into that very specific frame. When they don't fit, we're often not believed, condescended to, or told we don't know our own bodies. Ask literally any woman you know and she will give you at least three stories off the top of her head.
My PCP, a woman I adore and think of a true partner in my health, replied with an eye roll when I told her I was feeling my ADHD symptoms more intensely right before my cycle. "Oh yeah, your ADHD meds won't work during your period," she said. I asked her why she was responding as if I would have known.
The information on ADHD, hormones and how they interplay is still scant at best. It often feels like trying to untangle a massive knot when I try to understand what exactly is happening between my brain and my hormones and how to "fix" it. I hate having to cope with this uncertainty and I get caught in the undertow of resentment easily, effectively making things worse.
TL;DR: This week was a hard one.
Thankfully, this has been a balm of an Easter Sunday with chocolate, board games and the girls' first viewing of Back to the Future Part II.
Watching, Reading, Listening
We all watched Night at the Museum after Meg and Aaron took the kids to the American Museum of Natural History. I confess I was a little high and even that didn't help.
I read Kerry's fascinating NY Mag piece on Andrew Huberman, a man I had never heard of and hope to forget soon. I also started a Maggie O'Farrell novel This Must Be the Place that I've been enjoying. This one I've been dipping in and out of but am eager to finish. I've also decided to listen to the bookclub book because trying to read it felt somehow like an out-of-body experience. I still do not understand how this book came to be.
I stumbled onto the official playlist of the series One Day on Spotify and it's brought back a lot of memories. Some good, some not. Am I going to watch this series? Well I saw the Anne Hathaway movie so, no, absolutely not. Fool me once, motherfuckers.
Oh, btw, did you know that Beyoncé released a new album? Did you know I felt every human emotion while listening to it? Dolly Parton's speaking voice is a very intense sense memory for me, Blackbird always made me cry, and naming a song BODYGUARD was definitely a choice, Ms. Carter. Current fave: DAUGHTER.
Lifting
A few kettlebells and a screaming, tantruming three year old.
Ingesting
Incredible ginger chicken soup from Maya Congee Cafe and an insanely good chicken shawarma hummus bowl from Nili, both courtesy of Kate's Doordash gift. With friends in town a food tour was in order, so we enjoyed my beloved vegitalian from Court Street Grocers, Spencer's favorite pizza DiFara, a wonderful dinner at Lore and breakfast from Greenberg's. And plenty of Easter candy, the undisputed superior holiday candy. 5 ml cough syrup as needed, 30 mg Vyvanse, 100 mg Sertraline.
Struggling
See above.
Buying
The makings of five Easter baskets and a lot of local takeout and delivery.
Creating
As a family effort, a lot of laundry.
Fixating
On the Supreme Court and always, always reading Jess's Abortion Everyday
Avoiding
Losing or not getting a perfect score on Connections by abandoning it midway, getting my tax documents to Spencer/Alan Gellerman.
Reader, I Pinned It
Adult and childhood dreams collide, so easy I think that I could do it, am I a victim of diet culture or do these look good?
Help?
Honestly, I just hope you're all doing ok during this transformative retrograde season. Let's take care of each other.
