My Body, My Self

I'm someone who "developed early" (as my mother delicately put it) and whose body has screamed "woman" from the time I was about 11. This meant several things for me. It meant that my clothes fit differently. It meant breasts like mine were something to be ogled or to be used for comic relief and/or weapons (see, I grew up watching John Waters' films). It meant that grown men looked at me in a way that I didn't fully understand but instinctively was afraid of. It meant that, starting at age 11, I never really felt like my body would ever be perceived as anything other than garish and lewd in most clothes that other woman may look sophisticated or beautiful while wearing.

It's taken me years to accept that what I want to wear isn't always what I feel comfortable wearing. And that what I'm not comfortable wearing isn't 100% about me but tied to deeply ingrained and internalized patriarchal and misogynistic values. That doesn't mean I don't feel like shit when something doesn't fit me the way I want. But it does lower the volume some of the vicious self-talk.

In perfect timing for these thoughts on womanhood, the NYT published a rare Phoebe Philo interview. Despite the fact that she's someone whose clothes I could never afford and would never fit me, her aesthetic and attitude towards dressing have resonated with me for years. I think of the above photo probably every week and it continues informs how I dress for work. I thought it was spot on when her friend Ruthie Rogers commented that Phoebe's designs are "...clothes for a woman who doesn’t want to be sexualized, but they don’t deny her sexuality.”

She has given women silhouettes and designs that allow us to feel powerful on our own terms. I mean, listen, I'm not a fashion critic or historian but whenever I wear something inspired by Phoebe own wardrobe or her designs, I feel confident and truly like myself. Tits and all.

Watching, Reading, Listening
In preparation for a Sunday matinee of Dune Part 2 with my neighborhood coven, I rewatched the first movie. Both movies are beautiful. Both had me thinking a lot about how we tell the same stories over and over again - both in source material and narrative arc. Zendaya is incredible. Florence Pugh's costumes were stunning. Timmy carries it well. Both movies also remind me a lot of my father who is and always has been a huge science fiction fan. He made me watch a lot of borderline inappropriate films including David Lynch's Dune and this gem when I was really little. As well as a lot of Star Trek.
Finished Bluets. Loved it. Onto our next neighborhood book club book The Secret Life of Sunflowers. Has anyone ever even heard of this book?
Listening to a lot of M.I.A. who as I'm getting back to early mornings at the gym. She may not believe in vaccines but she does give sick motivation at 5:30 a.m.

Lifting
Dipping a toe into the swing of things with goblet squats, elevated push-ups, kettle bell walks, and a lot of stretching.

Ingesting
Pasta Louise's exquisite banana bread, Nitehawk's passable queso and pretty good sauivignon blanc in a hideous glass (these things matter to me, IDK why), Bette's homemade pancake cups and a very good Bette/Spencer collab on Korean garlic bread rolls.

Struggling
I would not say this lingering cough is going over well at work.

Buying
I needed more of my favorite heat protectant spray so indulged in trying a Merit lipstick (it's going back - formula was too patchy), Nars eye brightener (keeping) and the Ordinary's hair density serum (fingers crossed). I also gave into my inner teen and bought some low-stakes fun make-up from Target. I don't see why 44 year olds can't also be inspired by Euphoria several years after it first aired.

Creating
A new bedtime routine for the kids that still feels like total fucking chaos. And paintings with the littlest.

Fixating
One of my oldest and best friends is coming to visit with her family this week and it has caused me to absolutely spiral on finding a nightstand/side table situation for the guest room. Some options that I've put in and out of my cart this week.

Avoiding
Watching the news about how the U.S. is now supportive of a ceasefire after months of watching a genocide kill 30,000 people because Biden has realized it may impact him politically. 13,000 of the dead are children. Right now, there are currently 12,600 kids enrolled in the 20 public schools in my hometown of Troy, Michigan. I can't the U.S. government staying silent if they were bombed, shot, crushed or burned alive with white phosphorus.

Reader, I Pinned It
Aforementioned graphic makeup inspo, I love these colors and this bracelet.

Help?
Parents whose kids share bedrooms: How?