Grief and Sinuses
March 4 was my grandmother's birthday. It's the first one since she passed away last June.
Andree Jeannette Virecoulon was born in Paris just over 100 years ago and, in every sense of the word, she was our matriarch. She divorced my philandering American grandfather not long after having my father and aunt in Germany then moved the children to Fontaine-le-Port, a small town in France. She decided to move to the U.S. to live with her Syrian-American ex mother-in-law, my father's Teta and turned 30 on the ship journey over. She settled the kids to Anacostia in DC and single mommed her way through the rest of her life, eventually working at the Library of Congress for decades.
Mémé worked her ass off and ruled over, ultimately, two children, four grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren. She made us crepes ("Mémé's pancakes"), watched All My Children religiously, drank a boatload of International Coffee, complained about most American French pastries, made the most potent rumball cookies I will ever encounter, loved the 2005 Pride & Prejudice film, brought us orange Tic Tacs and Andes mints regularly, taught us all how to judge and hold a grudge, distrusted most women, insisted that we all do everything together all of the time, and cheated at, I'm pretty sure, every card game we ever played with her.
She was the foundation of our family, the true through line for most of our lives and a shaping force for each of us. Every moment she spent with my girls in person and on FaceTime was a gift. I should have seen her more and I should have called her more. She, in true Mémé form, never let me forget it. And she was right.
She's on my mind because her first birthday without her is hard. And because I miss her in the ways I expected but also in many ways that I didn't which keep bringing me to sudden, unexpected tears. And because she's one of the models I looked to growing up while I began to build my understanding what it is to be a woman. Mémé was a foundational cornerstone of that understanding and there are many, many others that contributed. As I find myself firmly (?) in middle-age raising two young girls, it's something I've been thinking about more and more. Frankly, pretty obsessively, and I think that's something I'm going to be writing about more here.
Watching, Reading, Listening
The oldest finally finished watching Clueless with me and she is full-on obsessed, as is her wont. Dee, whom she calls a "badass," is her favorite character and I will not ruin it by telling her what Stacey Dash has been up to since... She and I also started watching Abbott Elementary together just as she and her father coincidentally have been starting the Flash series. I'm very into this new phase of Spencer and I having shows not just with each other but with the kids. During my second round of strep-followed-by-sinus-infection I finished Mr. & Mrs. Smith and the last episode was my favorite by far. Stick with it if you're having doubts! I also revisited some of Kristen Stewart's old SNL skits. You might want to as well.
Still on my ACOTAR reread/listen but started Maggie Nelson's Bluets and it's the kind of book that I want to savor line by line. That is...difficult these days. But her writing, my god. I'm trying to understand why it always hits so quickly and deeply for me. If I figure out, I will let you know.
I'm taking bites out of this piece as I can stomach them but ate up this little treat.
Lifting
See note above on strep-followed-by-sinus-infection. No gym last week. That said, we moved the kids into the same room yesterday so I have lifted an Ikea bed frame as well as dozens of books, half a glider and a nightstand. I am filled with anxiety about how it will go as well as exhausted, sinuses irritated and full of dust/childhood debris.
Ingesting
I finally tried Greenberg's Buttermilk Blue Cheese BLT. Jesus. Earlier this week Spence brought home Fan Fan donuts after a lunch meeting and then our very kind friends brought over Fan Fan donuts for brunch over the weekend. I am now 30% Fan Fan donut. I recommend the Guava & Cheese fan and Iranian Love.
Due to the strep-followed-by-sinus-infection, I have had an infinite number of the most superior cough drop. 30ml generic nighttime cough syrup, 30mg Vyvanse, 100mg sertraline.
Struggling
Friends, I'm not sure Vyvanse is my girl. I'm on a fairly low dose but I seem to be a lot more short-tempered than usual. I will admit that these days it's impossible to decipher between what's hormonal, general life stress and a new medication. A friend shared that she felt manic on a low dose but evened out with a bump up so I'm hoping for the same. And also that I can actually get it when I need it.
Buying
Custom radiator covers because we kind of needed them but also I was overcompensating for an awkward situation, which honestly should be one of the budget lines in my YNAB app. The littlest of us is insisting on me painting her nails when I paint mine so I'm working on building up a less toxic, less Essie-based polish collection. A solid start.
Universal Standard jeans update: a bust. Sending them back. They're very soft and stretchy but i think that's working against me in this case. Also, for me, too long. Please send along any jean recommendations for someone who is average height but the Big Jean has decided might be petite.
Creating
A soothing, cozy cocoon of an environment so my two little loves can foster a lifelong connection based on shared memories and experiences and have the siblinghood I always wanted except one of them keeps coming out of the bedroom and now it's 11:08pm and, fuck, I think they're both awake.
Fixating
I mean, I'm not made of wood.
I also added an additional 2+ hours to my life-long total in search of the perfect tinted lip balm and/or stain. I thought it might be this but I'm not 100% sold as it's a little drying. In theory, I should be exfoliating and prepping and staining and balming/glossing for real success, I think, but I don't want to work that hard. Am I avoiding reality?
Avoiding
Deadlines, my roots, lip stain prep/reality.
Reader, I Pinned It
Pretty earrings, thinking of brightening up the team, starting to get twitchy about the empty wall above our bed again.
Help?
My sinuses may need to be amputated. Please leave ENT recs in the comments.
